braddumm

MY TWO CENTS ON BEAR FOUR ONE ONE

I’ve seen many posts about “what’s the big deal about making the exit” “It’s just a website” “There are many more just like it.” To some, that may be true, however, to me it’s nowhere near what the site has been to me for at least 3 – 4 years…and I’m going to try to keep this rant to a minimum…

I, by nature, am a very social creature. I love going out and being with friends and parties and bars and, if nothing else, just go to people watch. I love being in a crowd. I crave being with people. My partner, on the other hand, is more of a computer geek that loves online games and the like. He likes going and seeing friends, but is happy doing that maybe once a week (We’ve been together 12+ years now).

When I was introduced to Bear411, I was already in a happy, monogamous relationship and had a big circle of friends. My purpose of going on bear411 was to chat with friends and meet new friends while my partner played his online games. We’d sit in the same room and watch television and wind down from the workday in our respective ways…I on Bear411 and he on World or Warcraft (or at the time Everquest).

About two years ago, I was made aware of 3 Asian friends that were not welcomed into the fold of Bear411 I didn’t agree with that prejudice, nor did I understand how anyone in the gay community can perpetuate any kind of prejudice, since we are slammed with it on a daily basis by closed minded idiots in this world….but none the less, it does exist, and the operator of Bear411 happens to be one of these idiots. I was going to say something, but because his site is the Bear Chat Industry Leader for the meanwhile and I didn’t want to get blackballed from talking to my friends. So I didn’t say anything, and just felt bad for my friends that were pretty much treated like lepers…and felt guilty for not standing up for them…but I also haven’t forgotten about it.

Then recently, along comes Bobaloo, my friend and comedian, who is coming out with a CD/DVD. He made his post about a number of things that Bear411’s dictator has imposed on us that use his site. One, no free advertising or announcements for tour dates (that are community service, really). He wants his cut, so he won’t let Bobaloo put anything on his profile that would be for his friends. Two, he is censoring our conversations, so we can’t mention certain words, like the names of competing sites, etc. Hey – I’m paying for his site and he’s controlling me and not even telling me he’s doing so? I sent out about 20 IMs on bear411 using simple phrasing like “Are you moving your account over to another bear chat site” and not a single one of those messages were received. So I knew about the prejudice, the rudeness and now the censoring.

In a market economy, we are free to choose who and where we spend out dollars. When I learned about people leaving Bear411 over all these issues, and I had personal experience with them and the experience of my friends, I decided that I would tell all my friends that I would support leaving this old warm shoe called Bear411 and search out a new site that was more appreciative of the community as a whole, supported not only bears but those that like them, and didn’t do underhanded things to just benefit and profit for themselves. I heard about Bearciti.com, and I am happily going over there and learning and reestablishing myself there.

I’m still on bear411, nightly, at least in the interim. My subscription is paid through October this year, so I’m not making a big stink or sending nasty letters to the operator or any of that. Besides, my father always taught me to never burn a bridge…and that’s a valuable life’s lesson for me.

The reason isn’t because I don’t think he deserves to be “hit in the wallet” ‘for his past behavior..the reason is because I value the friendships I have there and don’t want to abandon THEM…not Bear411, cause I really don’t care about where the room is that we meet…just so that we do meet up and keep the comraderie going.

So, to be fully cyclical on this topic, it’s not as easy as “why don’t you just turn the website off.” That attitude is for someone that uses his online friendships casually and at an arm’s length. I’ve never had a friend that I do that with. If you want to be an “at arms length friend” with me, you are an acquaintance, not a friend…to me there is a difference.

Time for a ridiculous metaphor…if you lose your Mom (and you love your Mom like I do), you don’t just go out and get a new one because there are ten mothers out there on the market…If you lose your Mom, you greave for a bit, cry a bit, get angry a bit, hang on to what you can, and try to foster a new atmosphere where you can be comfortable and surrounded by loving surrogates, family members, friends and pets.

I am not leaving Bear411 on 2/14/07. I will hang on and let the market determine where the best new site will be to hang out with my pals. Until then, I’ll foster my relationships on more than one site. Eventually a better place will be the industry leader because Bear411 has already bought their plot at Forest Lawn, If something should happen and Bear411 changes it ways and is forgiven by the community, then I will be there in good graces and not have made a big stink and burned a bridge.

So for now, I’ll see you on Bearciti.com, Bearwww.com and Bear411.com until a new leader takes over. Then I’ll probably drop the lessor sites and stick where the party is.

I welcome your thoughts on all this…

HUGZ
Brad